s03e02 Fun with Dick and Janet (2)
Damn right you're sorry! Sorry as hell! You're-- now bring me another beer.
Because I drink! And I drink a lot! I'm a booze hound, I am.
And what's worse, when I drink, I get a head of steam.
I get all punchy, and I like to lash out! Oh, you're not so bad.
Ahhgod! Why can't you dress nice? Look at you! You look like someone who--who-- isn't dressed all that nice.
Well, I could change for you.
And look at that apron.
[Crying.]
I like that apron.
[Sobbing.]
It's pretty.
With all the hearts and--And the words and--and the hearts [Wailing.]
Oh, that's Ok, baby.
You can wear the apron.
Oh, god, I'm sorry! [Sobbing.]
You're a nice person, and it's not your fault that the big giant fathead made you come here and live with people you don't even know! [Sobbing.]
I've always depended on the kindness of strangers.
[Sobbing.]
Mama make it all better! I'm all messed up inside, mama.
And it's all because my eyes were opened to a world I never knew existed.
Thanks, Harry.
[Sighs.]
You can't listen to him.
It doesn't exist.
Oh, yes.
It does.
Look what I found in the wheat field.
[Gasps.]
[Gasps.]
[Gasps.]
It's the fusion chamber! The what? The fusion chamberlain.
The fusion chamberlain show.
With your host, fusion chamberlain! Whoo! Whoo I've never seen it.
Sally, what I have in my hand is a piece of a terrifying alien spacecraft.
Undeniable proof that they've landed.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to pack this in dry ice and drive it to the regional field office of the Fbi in Cleveland.
Why dry ice? Gives a nice smoky effect.
Well good-bye, Sally.
Good-bye? I'm off to save the earth from the scum of the universe.
Fbi? What are we gonna do? Don't panic.
I have the solution.
You're gonna go down to the police station and take the fall.
Tell them it was a prank.
Why me? Well, you're a minor.
They'll go easy on you.
Besides, we all have to make some sacrifices around here.
Ok.
What sacrifice are you making? The shame of having a juvenile delinquent for a nephew, Ok? I'm not angry, Tommy.
I'm justdisappointed.
Good morning.
Daah! Ohh! What's going on? Yeah, Dr.
Solomon, why don't you tell her what's going on? She's lying.
What? Mary, you can't listen to a thing she says because it's--it's-- I-it'sopposite Wednesday! Opposite Wednesday? Yes! Everything she tells you, you're supposed to think the opposite.
All the secretaries are doing it.
No! Is this true? See? Ah ha ha ha! Love is war, peace is hate.
If she says she's happy, she's actually sad.
If she says I was with another woman last night, it's because I actually wasn't! You were with another woman? She's just saying that.
Save your breath.
I already told her.
Oh, Mary, it's true.
I was with a woman last night.
Hah! I didn't really tell her.
What?! It's opposite Wednesday.
Gr--ohh, Nina! You're an evil genius!
Excuse me.
Could you tell-- oh, my god! Look at the cute tuchus on you! Can we help you? I am sure you can.
Well, campus information is-- look at you! Are you looking for somebody? Uh, yes, Dr.
Solomon.
He's my husband.
I didn't know Dr.
Solomon had a wife.
Well, this is my first time out of the house.
Uh, h-he's in the next building.
Thank you.
See you around campus, bubbele.
Dick, honey, I brought your lunch! My god.
Janet! I mean-- who are you?! I'm your wife, silly.
She's your what?! His wife.
Nice to meet you.
You're married? Well, uh, not in the way you think.
You told me your wife was dead! That's what she told me! I'm not dead! Your wife is coming! Your wife is coming! Your wife-- son of a bitch! Ohh! Mary! Please! Wait, Mary! We may be too late.
Gee you think? So who's the shiksa? Mary, please, wait.
Mary, you've got to listen.
Mary-- Mary, please stop! I have to tell you something, something that will clear up this whole mess.
I can't wait to hear this.
Ok.
Here's the absolute truth.
I have a wife.
Fine.
I'll give you that.
But, Mary, there's something you don't realize.
She doesn't understand me.
Oh, you poor thing.
You're the only woman I love.
Oh, great.
And when I'm with her, all I think about is you.
Where have I heard that before? Oh, I know! Every married man I've ever dated.
How many married men have you dated? Just one, Dick.
You! Because I don't do that.
And you know what else I don't do with married men? Marry them! Hey, hey, hey, congratulations, you two! Oh, Mary.
Look, I'm confused, and you're confused, so let's just stop all this nonsense, go to a motel, and make love.
Oh, come on, Dick.
You're married.
Do you understand? Married.
And you lied about it.
I never want to see your face again.
I mean, jeez, if I get to pick the person I'm in love with, I'm gonna get somebody really good-looking! Oh! I'm gorgeous.
I mean, I saw these guys today at the school, and they were just unbelievably beautiful! I mean, they had all these muscles.
Well, I have muscles.
No, I mean real muscles! And they were young, and they were hard, and they had all their hair, even right here.
Huh! Hair is very overrated.
It takes away from the size of your face.
Well, don't take it personally, Dick.
I mean, you just said yourself that you don't love me.
Ok.
Now, which way's Vegas? But, Janet, it's a big world out there.
Where will you go? What will you do? Oh, don't worry about me, Dick.
We'll always have Rutherford.
Bye, Janet.
Bye, Janet.
What? Janet's leaving? Yes.
Noooo! Janet, don't go! I don't believe it.
The fake mother of my phony son.
I've been dumped by my wife and my fiancee in the same day.
Ohh! What about me? I've lost a live-in maid, a cook, a gardener, a chauffeur, and an electrician.
I loved her!
Don, where's Tommy? Oh, you're too late.
Whoa! You killed Tommy?! No, I let him go.
You let Tommy go to his death?! Waagh! Hey, Harry.
Aah! Ohh! He's alive.
Oh, huh sorry.
Nice tie.
What did they do to you? It was pretty scary.
As a juvenile, I could've spent 200 hours cleaning up other people's trash on the highway.
But I wanted to teach him a lesson, so I charged him as an adult.
What does that mean? I got a $40 fine.
Where'd you get $40? I paid it.
Damn the system! Thanks, Don.
I owe youbig.
It's me.
What do you want? Janet's gone forever, Mary.
She's gone.
We're divorcing.
She's not around to ruin our lives anymore.
This isn't about her, Dick.
She didn't lie to me.
She's not the one who didn't tell me about her! Mary, I wanted to.
What else is there, Dick? Dick? [Gasps.]
There is something else, isn't there? And you can't tell me, can you? Ohh! Good-bye, Dick.
I'm sorry.
So I guess there's no way you would ever marry me.