3rd Rock from the Sun
s03e08 A Friend in Dick
Sally, it appears that your new boyfriend has bogarted my coffee.
Yeah.
Something tells me he ate all our cereal, too.
Yeah? So? [English accent.]
We spent the night together.
He got a little hungry.
What's the big deal? You slept with him? No.
We were discussing his writing.
He is an artist, you know.
Yeah.
A starving artist.
Oh, Harry, that was pretty clever.
Yeah.
I have no idea why.
I don't like what this guy has done to you, Sally.
You're broody and moody, and your hair looks like--like-- like what? Doody.
Yeah, well, what do you know? You and your ivory tower, hurling down your wisdom McNUGGETS dipped in the special sauce of the establishment.
[Muttering.]
Now hang on there, Missy.
I command you to drop that ridiculous accent.
What accent? The bad English one.
I don't have to do a thing you-- lieutenant.
Okey-dokey.
Well, what am I supposed to do? Well, why don't you bring one of your friends? My friends? Oh, oh.
Yes, of course.
It's just that there's so many.
Choosing one could result in hurt feelings.
Ironically, I might end up losing friends over this.
Maybe we'll see you there.
Mm, yeah, I'll see you there.
Yeah, with one of my many, many friends! Nina-- not a chance in hell.
You know, hopefully, for a nice profit.
Scalping tickets is a misdemeanor.
Come with me.
Wait a second, uh it's Ok, Rico.
He's a friend.
Yeah, that's right.
That's right.
Don's a friend of mine.
Don and I are friends.
My friend Don.
All right.
See you back at the station, Don.
So, Don, I have an extra ticket.
It's yours if you want it.
An extra ticket, huh? I hear it's a pretty good show.
Pretty good? The Rutherford bugle calls it "tap-licious.
" Well, I suppose crime could strike inside the theater just as well as it could out here.
Look at Abe Lincoln.
Let's go!
Hey, wait.
You are just gonna have to go to high school and get a high school diploma.
Huh? No.
Nooo.
Noooo! Oh, forget it.
I don't wanna.
Ah, Harry, come on.
Let's go sign you up.
You see, you gotta think of a diploma as an investment.
Yeah.
An investment in your roller blades.
Ah, you see? You're learning already.
So tomorrow night I was thinking sushi and the dog track? Well, that sounds like fun, but tomorrow night's no good for me.
No.
You working the late shift? No.
Oh, you got a hot date? No, no.
Who is she? Come on, come on.
No, no heh heh heh.
No, I'm going out with my buddy Ernie.
We're bowling a couple of games and eating some chicken wings.
Oh, of course.
Chicken wings.
I'm sure you'll have a good time with your buddy Ernie.
Smooth.
Disappointing.
Night school is the same thing as regular school.
The only difference is it's at night.
Which makes it really spooky.
Granted.
But there's only a few things you need to remember, you know: make sure the tough guys think you're cool, grab a seat next to a babe, and, uh, you know, don't let the teacher push you around.
Ok.
Tough.
Babe.
Don't let the teacher push you around.
Is that it? Oh! Yeah, and never put your mouth directly on the drinking fountain.
But that's how I drink from the fountain.
Not at school.
Ok.
Well here I go.
Oh, uh, aren't you forgetting something? I'm sorry.
No! The snack!
Sowhere should we begin, me not-so-wee lass? Well, why don't you tell me? [Gasps.]
You strike me as a lady who knows [Pats chair.]
What she wants.
Well, peter [Clears throat.]
You know what I want right now more than anything in the world? Tell me, buttercup.
Coffee.
Coffee? Yeah.
You know, I want to be wide awake in case we go for a ride on the old tour bus.
Eh! Well, then, by all means, lass, let usLATTé!
What happened out there? That wasn't the Seth I know! Sally, please! I was mocking Connelly.
He signed your shoes.
Yeah.
The shoes of a man who hates him.
Ha hah! I don't believe this.
You're a fraud! Sally, the whole culture here's a fraud.
I'm a fraud, you're a fraud, life's a fraud.
Yes, but you in particular are a complete fraud! God, when I think of what I gave up for you.
I mean, my family, my self-respect, my hair-care regimen! Hey, just relax.
You're being stupid.
That's the wrong thing to say.
Jig on outta here, loser!
Maybe I don't know how to diagram the damn sentence.
You ever stop to think of that? That's Ok, Harry.
If you had all the answers, you wouldn't need to be here.
What's your point, teach? Well, my point is we're all here to learn together.
We are? Yes.
Are you sure? I'm sure.
I wanna learn! I wanna learn!
I don't have any friends.
And you know why? Because I devoted all my time to my relationship with you.
Finger-pointing is not going to solve your problems.
I'm not finger-pointing.
But it's your fault! You! You wouldn't come with me to king of the jig! I had to replace you with Don, and now he won't even speak to me.